Love In An Elevator: ExhilaratingRemy
“So what’s the latest office drama?” I ask as I drop down on the sofa across from my co-workers desk. Lucky bitch actually has her own office, and doesn’t have to share with an annoying, know-it-all, delicious, fuckhot…Wait, shit. Stop. I turn my attention back to Remy.
“It’s been a bust fucking day my friend.” She smirks, and there’s a glint in her eye that… well, it worries me a little to be honest.
“Do tell. I could use something to entertain me.” I smirk. Being the gossip columnist for our illustrious paper, and the woman is damned good at what she does. Not only is the first to know what happens in both the celebrity world, and the socialite scene of our fair city, but she has a preternatural sense for knowing everything that’s going on in the office. She’s the fountain of knowledge here. But with great power, comes great responsibility. Or, in her case, a really great side-gig when our co-workers briber her for either information or to swear her to secrecy. Except me. She tells me all, and I never have to bribe her. She loves me.
“Sex scandals galore to day. Your brother and his girlfriend got caught going at it in his office. Again.”
“You’d think after last time they’d have figured out how to lock a fucking door.” My brother, the exhifuckingbitionist. Alice still can’t look either of them in the eye. And for the love of god, who fucks on the conference room table? Everyone’s always walking in and out of there.
“You’d think. But onto something I think will interest you much more.” She smirks, and the evil glint is back in her eye.
“Why would you think that?” I ask as calmly as possible.
“Because it involves my other favourite movie critic.” She giggles. My entire body stiffens at that. I do not want to know if Bella was caught going down on Jacob somewhere. That’s just a mental image I don’t fucking wish to have.
“And why would that interest me?” I ask, but it comes out more as a growl.
“Please.” She deadpans, glaring at me a little. Motherfuckingwhattheshit? “You practically assault the girl with your fuck-me stare every time she’s in a hundred foot radius. And stop glaring at me, or I won’t share my good news.” She points her pen at me.
“Okay, okay. I’ll behave.” I murmur.
“It appears that Miss Swan walked in on Jessica being fucked on the copy machine.”
“That’s not exactly news. I’m pretty sure that skanks been at it all over the place.” I shudder. I might not be the most virtuous man, but even I have more self respect than to stick my dick anywhere near that disease infested cave. Remy glares at me.
“Let me finish, or my next article will be on the handsome, eligible bachelor Jasper Whitlock, and how much he wants to marry a nice, homely looking chick. Preferably from the Brooklyn or New Jersey area. I’ll even mention you owning an oil ranch in Texas. You’ll have thousands of screaming chicks outside your apartment dressed in wedding gowns, and yes, I will print your address.”
I hold my hands up in surrender. She’d do it. I fucking know she would. Girl’s vicious, and extremely imaginative.
“Would you like to know who was banging Miss Stanley?” She asks.
“Sure. Hit me.”
“Jacob Black.” Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw.
“What?” I yell.
“You fucking heard me.” She says, waving her hand at me before turning back to her work.
We Are Gods: Remykilday
“And finally, a product which I think was actually made for you. The Spazzstick.” He held up a tiny chaptstick with one hand, waving his other like Vanna fucking White. I quirk an eyebrow at him, surveying the mess of caffeinated crap on the kitchen counter.
“The Spazzstick?” I growl.
“It’s caffeinated lip balm.” He grins, and I have to admit, that sounds pretty fucking epic. I grab the lip balm from his hand, and sure enough, it’s caffeinated lip balm. And it’s vanilla flavoured. Score. I take of the lid before swiping it over my lips.
“Mmm.” It actually tastes really fucking good. And it makes my lips tingle. I turn to look at Jasper, and I jump a little at the intensity at his gaze. His eyes have darkened and he’s staring intently at… my lips? I hold up the Spazzstick.
“You want to try some?” I ask. He grins devilishly.
“Yes. Yes I do.” He growls, before striding towards me. Instead of taking the chapstick like I expect, Jasper grabs my face in his hands, before pressing his lips quickly to mine.
Holymotherfuckingtapdancingjesuschrist. Jasper is kissing me.
“Mmm. I might have to get myself some.” He grins, before grabbing the box and sauntering to the living room.
Excusemewhatthefuck?
I’m still standing too fucking stunned to move. What the shit was that? He…what…huh..ARGH! Infuckingfuriating!
I grab my loot and follow him into the living room where he is now sitting Indian style on the sofa, the box perched on his lap.
“Rose. Let Emmett breath. I have presents!” He sings, causing everyone to swing they’re attention to him. Rose may pretend to disdain of Jasper’s ThinkGeek addiction, but he always buys her kitchen gadgetry, as well as a Star Wars apron which she fucking cherishes. Fucking Jedhead.
Jasper holds up what looks like a potato gun, and throws it to Emmett.
“It’s a beer blaster.” Jasper explains, and Em’s face lights up.
He then pulls out a candy pack which is basically a big red blob.
“What the fuck is that?” Alice shrieks in disgust.
“It’s a gummy heart! It comes with a little vial of gummy blood. It’s for Esme.” He snickers. He finds another tube and tosses it to Edward. “Gummy brains!” He giggles. Yep. Jasper’s definitely drank too much. He becomes such a fucking giggler when he’s drunk. Edward also get’s a pack of Zombie brains candy. Because he’s a neurosurgeon. Very clever Jazz.
“Now this is just lucky coincidence. I didn’t realize I’d actually see you, so you're getting them early!” He grins, before throwing packs of candy at Alice. She glares at him before looking at the stuff in her lap and starts to giggle like a fucking maniac.
“Where on earth did you find bacon flavoured jellybeans?” She gasps, and we’re all slack jawed staring at her.
“The wonders of ThinkGeek!” Jasper exclaims, before dissolving into laughter. We’re still staring at Alice.
“And bacon flavoured lip balm! You’re my favourite resident!” She notices all of our slack-jawed expressions, and glares at us “Don’t judge me! I like bacon!” Before applying the lip balm and licking her lips.
If she offers Jasper some, will he kiss her too? I hope not, because I like Alice, and I’d hate to have to kill her.
“What do I get?” Rose asks, a smile fighting it’s way onto her face.
“You, my delightfully deviant co-habitor and co-worker, get these,” He says, before throwing to packs at her.
She opens them to find a pack of stick notes which send her into giggles. They’re pre-printed with phrases that she actually writes on her own to-do lists. So, fuck this, fuck that, fucking urgent, and fuck yeah. She grins and blows Jasper a kiss before opening the next pack to find folder’s that seem like they were made for her. There are thee of them. ‘Papers to shuffle endlessly thereby accomplishing nothing’, ‘Stuff to hide from boss, spouse, or otherwise NOSY individuals’, and ‘Useless documents to provide appearance or importance in meetings’. She loves them.
“And my last present of the evening!” Jasper cries like a magician about to perform a daring illusion, before pulling a white rectangular box from the ThinkGeek box, and tosses it to Rose before tossing the ThinkGeek box on the floor. Rose quirks an eyebrow, but opens the box. Always a dangerous choice with Jasper’s presents. There's no guarantee that whatever’s in there won’t explode from the box.
She pulls out a spoon that also has a digital display.
“Is it a clock spoon?” She asks, confused.
“No, moron. It’s a precision spoon. It weighs things to one one-tenth of a gram.” He explains, pretty fucking coherently for how drunk he is. Rose’s eyebrows shoot up her face so fast I think they actually rocketed into space, and her mouth drops.
“That’s…this…fuck.” She garbles, before turning to face Jasper, and composes her face into a completely serene expression. Oh. The eyebrows failed to lift off. Wow. Okay, Jasper’s not the only drunk one. “Marry me?” She asks him.
“Sure.” He replies.
“Cool.” She deadpans, before settling back on the sofa to marvel at her new Super Spoon.
“Hold the fuck up. You're dating me. You can’t marry Whitlock!” Emmett splutters
“I can. I’ll just keep you on the side for the hot sex.” She replies, waving her hand distractedly at Emmett, still staring at the spoon.
“Oh. Okay then.”
The Loser: Remykilday
Peter and Jasper walked through the streets of Tijuana, three weeks after the Bolivia incident.
“I have a contact who can get us information of Edward. All we need to do is make a little money.” Jasper says quietly.
“We have no money. And if we did have, do you really want to send it to some fat kid sitting in his basement who has no idea what the fuck he’s talking about?” Peter replies.
“He tried to kill us-” Jasper is cut off by Peter.
“He did kill us. And look at us. Do you really think we’re in any position to take on some CIA super spook? We don’t even have a real name! We have a voice.” Peter rationalizes.
“Man has a voice, man has a throat. Man has a throat…” Jasper trails off and looks at Peter.
“Man, we need to stay on mission. Get money, get clean passports, and get back stateside without anyone fucking noticing. I have a pregnant wife that I want to see, fuck you very much.” Peter snarkily replies, punching Jasper in the shoulder.
“But-” Peter cuts him off.
“What do you want? Look around you! Do you want to go after this guy? Sure, great plan.” He snaps, “Hale can set over there by the taco stand, and Bella can set up communications over there by the hookers.” Jasper glances over and sure enough there are a gang of scantily clad women trailing up and down the street. It causes him to burst into laughter.
“Okay. Shit.” Jasper runs his hands through his hair.
“You're not a soldier anymore. None of us are.” Peter replies, before patting Jasper on the back and walking off.
Jasper finds Bella, Emmett and Rose in a seedy bar, drinking their worries away. Well, Bella is drinking. Emmett and Rose are getting their dry hump on on the dance floor. He makes his way over to Bella’s hunched figure, and drops down on the stool beside her.
“How you holding up?” He asks her.
“Really fucking badly.” Bella replies with a slur. Jasper nods to the bartender who pours them another two shots of tequila.
“Oh, I get that feeling.” He replies, before holding hid glass up towards her. A small smile plays on her face, and she raises her shot glass, clinking it against his before downing the shot. Jasper casually surveys the bar through the mirror hanging over the bar. A petite, dark haired woman is standing against a wall, pretending to casually observe the drunks, but her eyes keep coming back to Jasper.
Normally, he’d buy the woman a drink, then take her back to his hotel. But the fact that this is the sixth time he’s seen her tonight, combined with the fact that some shady government type just tried to fucking kill him, and he’s a little fucking suspicious.
“Bella. Do you have piece on you?” He whispers.
“Of fucking course I do.” She scoffs.
“Call Pete. Get him here. Follow me outside to the alley on the right in 90 seconds. Bring Em and Rose.” He tells her. She stares at him a seconds before climbing off her stool and making her way towards the bathroom. Jasper climbs from his own stool, and stumbles towards the exit.
The petite woman wait’s a few seconds before following Jasper out of the bar. She watches him round a corner, and surreptitiously follows behind. As she comes round the corner, and arm shoots out grabbing her by the throat. She kicks out, nailing him in the groin and he drops her. She lands lithely on the ground, before swinging into a roundhouse which he blocks, spinning her back round, and smashes her into the wall, pinning her hands behind her back.
“Who the fuck are you?” He growls, and she pushes off the wall, before snapping her head back into his nose. Jasper stumbles back.
“Fuck this!” He snarls, before pulling his gun from the waist of his jeans. He swings his arm round, pointing it in her face, only to find that she’s done exactly the same thing to him. Only she has two fucking guns.
Well fuck.
“That isn’t very smart.” A voice calls from the end of the alley, and both glance. The woman snarls, while Jasper let’s out a relieved sigh. His crew are there, guns blazing, pointing straight at this fucking pixie-bitch’s head. She swings one arm around, pointing it haphazardly.
“I asked you a question. Who are you?” Jasper growls.
“Jasper. She’s got a gun pointed at my nuts!” Emmett exclaims in a shakey voice. The women let’s out a annoyed sound, before raising the gun.
“Better?” Rose asks him.
“Strangely, yes” Emmett replies. Sure. Point a gun at the guys face and he’s cool, calm and collected. Point it at his dick and the man flips his shit.
“Okay. You have two guns. We have five. So. Answer my fucking question.” Jasper replies, his voice deadly cold.
“Alice.” She spits.
“Well, Alice, why the fuck are you following me?” He asks.
“I want Edward dead.” She replies, looking him in the eye “And I can get you home.”
Flash back:
School had finally let out for the summer, and Sarah and I had rejoiced when we were finally free from the hell that was Forks High, for the summer of course, and we, along with a couple other soon to be seniors decided to celebrate, and went back to my house.
When Sarah pulled up to the house, having picked me up that morning in her Escalade, the clutter of cars had me almost pausing, but I recognized the vehicles. The red mustang was David, the guy I had been in love with for almost three years now. Donny's green heavy duty truck was parked along the drive way in the grass, his usual parking spot. My brother's dark green Ford Explorer was parked in the garage that was opened.
I could hear music from inside, so we all climbed out of the vehicle, and headed inside. The group consisted of me, Sarah, Alice, Jessica, Angela, Leah, Emily, Claire, Rosalie and Jane. Tanya, Irina and Kate had decided not to tag along, having already made plans to head out for the beach for the entire weekend.
When I entered the house, chattering excitedly with the girls, my brother and his friends were circled around the coffee table. Devon glanced up when the door open, looking as if he was about to either bolt, or hide the weed he was about to roll into a blunt. I couldn't see why, Dad already knew about it and as long as no one was doing anything extremely dangerous or stupid, he didn't care what we did. Well, that was a lie.
He only let Devon smoke weed, and if he knew he was doing anything else, he would have been beaten to an inch of his life. Not literally, of course.
David glanced up from his phone, flashing me a smile, and without warning, I was whisked away by an excited Donny, who bounced around in place like an excited little school boy. I giggled, and Sarah smiled before breaking from the group to take a seat at the table in the chair Donny had just vacated. He flashed her a half-hearted glare, that just had her giggling.
Devon, pausing in the rolling of his blunt, leaned over, pressing a quick kiss to Sarah's temple in a greeting, and resumed what he was previously doing.
I quickly glanced around the room, silently taking roll-call of my brother's friends. Seth, Paul, David, Donny, Sam, Jacob, James, Laurent, Caius, Robby, Bubba, Tyler, Mike(who was a junior with the rest of us), Cameron, and Jeffrey. Almost everyone was here, and I wouldn't be surprised if some decided to just pop in.
Donny tugged me over to the table, my group of friends following. Devon leaned over the table, ruffling at my hair, and both Sarah and I swung at him, in sync with each other, which had some of the guys laughing.
My brother smiled, turned toward Sarah, and with one word, had her giggling. “Girl.”
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